Why Don't You Leave?

Paris is the problematic boyfriend I can't leave, for now.

“Why do we live here?” a friend of mine asked during pre-dinner drinks one evening. We had just been laughing at some recent trials and tribulations of living in Paris, it seemed everyone had had their ass handed to them by the city in one way or another. An irretrievable visa, a package that a clerk said wasn’t available until it magically was, a general lack of kale. Her question was more rhetorical than anything, it wasn’t accusatory (like the way locals tend to pose it) or desperate (as in, shouldn’t we all just leave). She asked it with genuine curiosity, and the knowledge that all persons present loved living in Paris, were all committed to stay here for at least a few more years, maybe more. But after the constant walloping we always receive here, her question was the natural one—why do we stay?

I couldn’t answer immediately, and that’s how I knew I was probably lying to myself about my relationship with Paris.

My view of the retirement reform protests from my balcony.

Whenever I’m asked whether I like Paris, whether I like it more than LA, I tend to site the same key benefits, which though true are in no way specific to this city. I enthusiastically tout the high quality yet lower cost of food, the affordability of housing and transport (compared to other major cities, of course), the architecture and gardens, the quick access to everywhere else in Europe, the walkability, the beauty. But that’s really about it in terms of hard and fast benefits of the city itself, and each could be found in other cities around France and Europe, along with access to a beach, less rain, or more smiles. So why do I stay?

The question can’t help but remind one of late night conversations with the friend who needs to dump her significant other who spends too much time on the couch playing Call Of Duty and isn’t categorically opposed to Andrew Tate. You finally get brave enough to ask what the friend group has been dancing around for months, if not years: why do you stay? She’s not ready to go yet, so she’s giving up the excuses we’ve all made when in the exact same situation, the same excuses I give for why I still live here. Equally unhealthy, and they say more about me than they do about what’s great about the city.

And though I know this about myself, it doesn’t mean I’m going to leave, either. Because I love Paris, and it loves me too, it just has bad days sometimes when it can’t give me what I need. But that doesn’t mean I should leave, does it? Right?

My current logic is as follows:

I Don’t Want To Be Alone

It was really hard to make my first friends in Paris, let alone make more every time one of those friends moved away because she was healthy enough to leave when I couldn’t. I can’t even imagine trying to go through the friendship process all over again in a smaller city. It sounds lonely, and right now I’m in a place where I'd rather be treated poorly than be alone.

It’s Cool, I Like The Optics

Paris is a cool place to live, it looks cool, cool things happen here. The best restaurants old and new, fashion week which I don’t like, the best galleries that I don’t frequent, vinyl record bars with natural wine, peanut butter lattes that taste good for a few sips, picnics on the Seine that I attend once a year. Yes, I am intentionally making this reason sound as dumb and superficial as it is. I put up with bottles of pee rolling down metro cars, piles of (hopefully) dog shit everywhere, almost getting hit by white vans on a daily basis, all to be in proximity of Paris’s cool, and it’s because I am unwell.

Blooming trees at Jardin de Reuilly in the spring.

Because It’s Hot

It’s also that kind of hot, “oven hot,” true. But more importantly, it’s hot, hot, aesthetically pleasing, nice to look at, arm candy. Is it better to live in a hot city and put up with its antics and BS, or to live in a 6/10 hot-enough city and be treated well? We all know the answer, but it doesn’t mean we make the right choice.

FOMO

If I were to leave Paris, it doesn’t mean it would just disappear. No, it would still be cool and attractive and maintain all of its friends. I’d miss out on all of that in my more sensible, stable, reliable new city, and I’m not mature enough to endure that FOMO. If I can’t have Paris, no one can.

Because We Have A Long History

We’ve been through so much together, how could I possibly walk away from that? There were the weeks that we hopped from Airbnb to Airbnb while apartment hunting, rolling four suitcases through the metro, hoping it would be for the last time. Or the time we escaped the city in a rented Europcar van before the first confinement, stuck in traffic for hours, unsure of when we’d be returning. Or the 2019 metro strike where I had to walk from the 5th to the 18th after my French class because ligne 12 was closed. All relationships have their ups and downs, it would be dumb to leave Paris just when things are about to get good.

Because Paris Can Be So Sweet

Paris is a manipulative bastard. It will give nothing but rain, trashcan fires, construction, crowded metros, and poor/mean service. Just when it senses I might rethink my situation, Paris serves up a gorgeous day with sunshine until 10:30pm, an impeccable glass of wine, a table full of friends, a palette-altering bite of food, an exchange in French where I don’t humiliate myself. Which is the real Paris then? I’m still hoping it’s the latter so I don’t have to move.

Because I Don’t Think I Deserve Better

I know on paper that anyone deserves to have a comfortable, affordable place to live that doesn’t give them eczema or leave them in tears. But even knowing this, I put up with the bad behavior, hoping it will change. I read an article saw a TikTok by a psychologist who said that wounded people stay and try to convince people to treat them better, and healthy people cut ties. So yeah uh, I guess the problem isn’t Paris, it’s me.

That got dark fast, but don’t worry, it’s not that serious, we’re fine. It’s still rainy this weekend, the first weekend of June, but it looks like it will be sunny next weekend! I’m sure if I try hard enough I’ll be able to easily find a bigger apartment, and maybe we’ll be lucky and the heatwaves won’t be so bad this year! I’m sure if I stick with it, everything will get better. 🤡

P.S. This is all in jest, mostly.